Why is there supposedly an “internet trend” of Queer and Femme FtMs, and why are they somehow less “sincere” than other FtMs?

apiphile:

femmeftm:

I’ve noticed there has been a recent tendency by certain FtM individuals to label the current “explosion” of femme, queer FtMs as an online “trend”. I wonder why these individuals seem to think this way, and I wonder about the reasons behind the apparent increase in visibility for this particular subset of the transmale community.

I guess it’s because it’s easier for us to move around freely online than it is in real life.

In my personal experience, I have not been made very welcome at my local FtM space. I have been open about my identification as an unabashed queer, femme FtM since the beginning of my transition. More often than not this has been met with skepticism, judgement and even outright hostility, mostly by other FtMs ascribing my incompatibility with conforming to stereotypical masculine tropes and FtM “narrative” as a sign of my obvious insincerity about being trans. I’ve heard all the usual insults. “Faggot”. “Faker”. “Yaoi fangirl”. Someone even called me a “Kurt Hummel wannabe” (this isn’t really an insult to me, I’d love to look like Chris Colfer…). Even my gender therapist was cynical at first. I had to explain to him – explain to someone who was supposed to be an authority on gender – that my sexuality, what I wear and how I act has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my identity as a trans man. I’ve had less trouble moving around semi-stealth in gay spaces. I imagine I was just lucky, seeing as there are still massive problems with cissexism and transphobia in the cis gay community. But still, it appears as if cis gay men are held to less arbitrary standards of masculinity than trans men. They are freer to be more feminine, although they still experience some stigma within their own community and definitely in wider society.

This stigma stems from both homophobia and misogyny, two things that seem to be an inherent problem still rife especially in the FtM community, proving to be very detrimental to certain members. And there is a problem. We can deny it and ignore it all we like, but it’s still there. And as a result, guys who think queer and/or feminine = totally not male behaviour at all, totally female and also bad bad bad, and masculinity = the one and only thing that defines maleness? You’re not only perpetuating or supporting this horrible oppressive behaviour just on FtMs in your own community, but upholding stereotypes full of really problematic attitudes that also hurt trans women, cis women, non-binaries, queer people… the list goes on.

I am not trying to shame masculine people, but I am trying to point out that there is a terrible double standard here. And the only people who get to benefit from this double standard are the masculine/andronormative, heterosexual/heteronormative men, cis and trans.

Thus, I found the answer to my question. Queer and/or femme FtMs have not engaged as much with the FtM community because we have been made to feel like there is no place for them, and made to feel unsafe. We have been driven away or into hiding by the homophobia and misogyny of other parts of the community.  That’s why we have turned to online spaces. The internet is where you can be free to be whoever you want.

And even then, sites like FtM Cynicism and some of the horrible, misogynistic ‘confessions’ on FTM Confessions prove that even tumblr isn’t a completely safe space for us. But it’s better than nothing.

So, what I am saying is, that the onset of queer and/or femme trans guys on sites like tumblr isn’t the result of some new trend. This is simply a more popular space for guys like me, like us, because other spaces are occupied by people who dislike and resent us, and we are unable and unwilling to come into them.

The number of queer and/or femme FtMs has definitely increased. Then again, you could say that about the number of gay men, or the number of bisexuals. Maybe it appears as if the amount has so rapidly increased because more of us now feel comfortable with coming out and being open about our trans identity especially in certain places, and more of us just haven’t been as visible until now because, until places like tumblr came along, we didn’t feel like certain people wanted us to be visible. In fact, they wanted to actively silence and erase us from FtM ‘culture’. And that’s why I believe certain individuals want to explain away our recent emergence as a “trend”. Because the increase in visibility has forced them to come face-to-face with the fact that not every FtM is like them. And by using excuses like this, they can still try to erase us as “not true FtMs”, so they can go back to their comforting bubble where other FtMs are exactly like them.  In a way, it might be all about insecurity.

And I understand that insecurity. I do. I understand that some FtMs want to distance themselves as much as possible from anything remotely feminine. Fine. That’s your choice. But you deal with it on your own. There is a difference between dealing with your insecurities and using other people as a scapegoat for them. Don’t drag other people into it. Don’t project your own problems, your own internalized shit, onto them. Don’t put them down so you can feel better about yourself. Don’t set your own standards as the default or the requirement for everybody who identifies the same way as you. Because that way you are actively harming other people. You might feel better about yourself, but it will be at the expense of others. That is quite selfish, to be honest.

The point is, we need to deal with the problematic shit in our community. We need to stop with the misogyny against women and femininity. We need to stop the transmisogyny against trans women. We need to stop advocating trans men as heteronormative and vilifying gay trans men with stuff like ‘you just want to act out your yaoi fangirl fantasies’. We need to stop this fear of everything that isn’t what some of us picture as a perfect, ideal manly man. And we should be doing it not only because it will make our community more open and welcoming to all types of FtMs, and making other communities feel like they are safer around us, but just because it is being a decent human being: acknowledging, respecting and accepting other people for all their differences from yourselves.

The entire FtM community does not consist of masculine, heterosexual men. Society does not consist of masculine, heterosexual men. Certain parts of the community need to square with that cold, hard fact someday. Until we sort the femmephobia, homophobia and misogyny* out, I’m afraid certain FtM spaces will remain a firm no-go area for me.

*NB: I have realised that there are some accounts that say there is a problem with racism in our community as well. However, as a white person, I do not think it is my place to open a discussion on this. Any FtM PoC might want to have a discussion on this as well, though.

********was submitted the other day, and in lieu of some comments I have seen on tumblr I think this is a perfect time to post this submission. 

My massively intelligent commentary on this is that gender policing is a big bag of poop. Also that this reinforces my idea that any kind of “community” is riddled with assholes, somewhat. There will always be someone disgusting majority in any given group who feel it’s their business to determine for other people what identity they’re allowed to have, cf. the charmers in lgbt “spaces” who ace-bash.